Five Things (4) Revisited

hello again. how are you? 
I miss you lots. 

1. it's a new year and with that comes so many ideas, so much reflection on the year past, and lots and lots of promise of better/bigger. i like the romanticized idea of resolutions. they get a lot of hate by, well, everyone ... pero I remain hopeful. sometimes my resolutions are simple: keep purse clean, stop running out of gas, walk more. sometimes they're so big, so broad, so revolutionary, like a book that keeps me thinking-- i have to close them, and then revisit at a later time. this is a latter kind of year. REVOLUTIONS! 

2. my boo turned 30 at the end of december. there were so many ideas of what to do to commemorate this grand transition, pero like things happen sometimes, shit got in the way. specifically car/money shit. so mexico turned into an out of state trip and that turned into a trek across Tejas and then finally we settled on taking a day trip to Austin. we stopped at Buc-ee's for gas and clean restrooms. (tbh, i kind of hate it. it reminds me of Walmart, pero the restrooms are always clean.... y pos nomas.) 
on our way out to the car, i looked down at my phone, checking our exit in atx. a car sped behind me and the man inside yelled, "Hurry up, fat ass!". this has never happened to me. not in San Anto, not anywhere. i was left a little speechless. yes, soy gordita, pero in my book that is not a bad thing. i initially thought to tell V about it, but i didn't want to ruin a good time. y sabes que? it didn't REALLY bother me. i was heading towards my love, ready to continue the celebration of her (b)earthday, on our way out of our beloved city, ready for a day of adventure. i almost felt bad for him. like, pobre guey, way to try and ruin someone's day. what's lacking in his life? 
doesn't matter. i felt really beautiful that day. i feel really beautiful today.  

3. it's been a hard thing for me to admit, but i think i have lost someone really important. a friend. someone i've known for nearly 20 years. not exactly sure what happened, but i feel guilty about it. like, something in me tells me this was my fault, perhaps i was too neglectful a friend last year. i was busy. i was hella hella busy. i fell in love. i put myself first a lot. something i didn't do ever. 
and somehow the text messages i sent got fewer and fewer replies, invitations to things didn't get a response, visits stopped ... I miss him. 
i've asked what is wrong. i've asked what i could do to resolve this all. no answers there either. y i can't really blame him. nor can i force him to love me or be my friend again. it hurts hella hella gacho. i usually find it very easy to walk away from things that are done, but this is very different. 

4. are you ever afraid of your own light?
for the last couple years i have been so scared to take my little tiendita online. pero this last season has been so affirming. i got a little press, i got a little light, i got a little guts. y con eso, i'm happily and steadily working on taking my little pop up online for reals this time. are you ready? i think i am. also! i had tote bags for the holidays and those little precious babies sold out. i cried. if we had any kind of interaction over the last six months, please know that i'm so grateful. that the second half of 2015 was nothing short of a miracle for me, in so many ways. and still, i rise. 

5. "Speaking the truth with eloquent thunder." 
i saw that somewhere during our trip and i thought of so many of the strong, chingona mujeres in my life. the women that work endlessly on making our community, our city, our land better. the women that seek and demand justice.  the women that make beautiful arte, that heal, that inspire. 
i am surrounded by so much beauty and power and HUMOR like all the time.
they speak the truth with eloquent thunder. 
y por ellas, yo sigo.